Why fit in when you were born to stand out?
Hmmm, because when I tried to stand out I was told I was too much, too needy, inappropriate, insensitive, odd, and lacking common sense. I was told "that's not the way the world works" leaving me to feel like I wouldn't be able to survive on my own because I don't understand the way the world works. I never did and I don't think I ever will because the world doesn't make sense to me. After trying to stand out and failing, I proved to myself that everyone else was right. I wasn't born for that. So, I tried desperately to fit in. I jumped from job to job trying to find the one that fit. I got married and had kids like I was supposed to. I took business classes for becoming an entrepreneur that seemed to work for everyone else but me. I felt most comfortable in my own skin when I was drinking so, a few drinks on the weekends with friends turned into looking forward to the weekend when it would be acceptable to have a few drinks to the weekend starting on Thursdays to at least one or two drinks every night. It was the only time I felt free from the incessant chatter of my brain that told me I was never going to fit in. I hugged strangers because I was so desperate to find connection and belonging; I assumed someone else must be feeling that way too. It was a way for me to give out the very thing I was looking to find. I did find connection and belonging, but it was amongst the other people I was hugging. It still eluded me. That is, until I began unpacking all of the things I learned on those hug journeys in the form of a memoir (and stopped drinking). My mind chatter had been so loud that I hadn't even noticed the biggest lessons I learned along the way. I always fit in. With myself. I always belonged. With myself. I discovered connection. With myself. The truth is, I live at the edges of humanity. I have my whole life. I don't do things the same as others. I don't think the same way as others. I don't understand life the way others do. It's a very lonely place to live. But, the more I reveal to myself - about myself, the more I know I was born to stand out. The world fucking needs me.
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I have spent a lifetime living as though the big moments were what made up my life. My focus was on my achievements, my legacy, how I will be remembered after I'm gone. A lot of my focus still is as I'm still climbing my way out of the craters my habits have forged in my brain.
In an effort to create new habits, I am placing overemphasized importance on the little moments. My son getting his driver's license? Not a little moment. That was huge and one I wasn't entirely prepared for. But, what was a little moment was the day less than one month earlier when I got pulled over for rolling through a stop sign in a neighborhood. My oldest (the one with the license now) was running late for his volunteer shift and in an attempt to avoid traffic, I traveled through the neighborhood rather than out on to the main road. I didn't see the police officer pulling up to the intersection until her lights were flashing in my rearview. I prayed for grace. Sure enough, she let me know she was letting me off with a warning. But, only because she was ticketing me for having an expired registration. My perfectionist self was flabbergasted. I couldn't understand how that happened and the old me (as in, the me from just last year) would have given a lengthy explanation as to how I never let things like that happen and it must be an error in the system. Instead, I thanked her for her grace and let the shame roll off my back. Sure enough, when I got home I found my registration reminder. I got the emissions but never paid for my registration. Over the next few days I got my emissions again (it had expired) and paid my registration not thinking anything of it other than this was something I needed to take care even though it was Christmas time and this along with the ticket was an unexpected expense I didn't want to spend Christmas money on. My registration came in the mail just before New Year's - two weeks before my oldest was scheduled to take his driver's test - with my car. It wasn't until I was gathering the necessary paperwork that the stunning turn of events dawned on me. Getting pulled over by the police woman was a divine intervention. If I hadn't gotten pulled over when I did, I wouldn't have my registration in time for Cooper's test. While it wouldn't have been ideal for him knowing he preferred to use my car, it wouldn't have kept him from taking the test - he could use his Dad's car. What it would have done is kept me from being with him during this pivotal moment. I wouldn't have felt the pride I felt as I watched him calm his nerves in his unique style before the test began. I wouldn't have felt the grief I felt as I watched him hold up his paper license for the picture above. I wouldn't have felt the expansiveness I felt as I recognized the additional freedoms this meant for both of us. If I had paid for my registration on time, I wouldn't be in awe of the way life is always working out for me, even when I make mistakes. I have spent time overemphasizing the importance of being pulled over by that police woman. Because without her, I would not be reveling in the wonder of the small moments. I wouldn't be climbing a little farther out of my well-worn path of habits that no longer serve me. I wouldn't be that much closer to the me I want to be. I find it to be the most vulnerable thing to simply exist in a world that expects and rewards production. So much so that while I think I know who I am, I'm not sure anyone else knows except maybe my sisters - only because they've been there from the start before I could be anything but who I was.
It's really only been in the last year or so that I have even begun to know myself outside of what I can offer to the world. I used to get so confused when I would hear that I was worthy of love and belonging just by being who I am. My brain constantly searched for 'how' I would do that. How could I be me? I searched far and wide for how I could be me. A journey that started long before this past year as evidenced by my two hug journeys. I believed that the truth of who I am is love (true) so I set out to spread that love through hugs. Noble. Noble but also it was an act that I was doing in order to be worthy of the love and belonging I was desperate to find. My entire perception of the world revolved around give and take. If you invite me to your house I feel obligated to bring something in an act of being worthy of having been invited. Even my hobbies turned into opportunities for being worthy. I have yet to understand what it means to do something just for the fun of it. When I took Parkour it was with the expectation that one day in the near future I could start a social media page around the 45 year old that is taking Parkour. When I went out dancing it was because I wanted to be there for my friend's birthday or because I expected that maybe this would be the night I'd meet the love of my life. Neither of these are inherently wrong, it's just that I didn't know how to do these without expecting something out of them, something that showed me I was worthy. What would it even look like to go out dancing just because it was fun? I meditate now to find that space within me that is pure me. The one that doesn't need excuses or reasons for doing what I am doing. The one that doesn't need a reason to just be. I am slowly finding her, but the habit of doing is such a well-worn path that I need a ladder to get out of it. What I am learning is to celebrate each step up the next rung. I may not have any clue what it's going to look like when I embrace my joyful experiences simply because I exist. I may not have any clue what it's going to feel like when I embrace the truth that I am worthy simply because I am me. Honestly it scares me. And excites me. With every step up the rung of that ladder, I am moving farther away from what I do and so much closer to who I am. I am moving farther away from the belief that I am what I do and closer to the truth that I am me and that is exquisite. The second draft of my book is done!! It is rough, almost as rough as a first draft so I call it draft 1.5. But, it's done and I had it completed in time to fully enjoy the holidays!! Woo Hoo!! I bought myself this gorgeous citrine ring (from Celestial Moondust) in celebration of the accomplishment. I now wear it when I write to remind myself that I am a badass Goddess creating magic for the world.
It's a helpful reminder not just for when I'm writing, but for living. I woke the other morning thinking, "so, I wasn't expecting 47 to feel like this." What was I expecting? Well, firstly, I expected to feel like an adult. Even more, I expected to feel like a responsible adult. A settled, wise, responsible adult. What is the reality? I still feel like an irresponsible, confused, frightened teenager floundering her way through life. There is a big difference though. I am now aware that these feelings likely won't change and I may forever feel this way. Rather than feeling overwhelmed, it makes me feel empowered. I think those feelings are indications that I am doing something right. When I find myself in a state of contentment, it rarely lasts and most often, if I try to hold on to it, it leads me to a state of boredom and restlessness. An indicator that I have stopped living and am attempting to control what life is supposed to look like. As soon as I begin the very vulnerable process of 'life-ing' again, I feel like that irresponsible, confused frightened teenager again - no matter how old I am. And, I never would have imagined I would say this, but I absolutely prefer these feelings to boredom and restlessness. I recently finished watching The 100 with my oldest. (It's gory and intense, but it was time well spent with my teenager) At the end (Spoiler alert - if you haven't finished it and plan to - STOP READING!!) one of the characters fails to 'ascend' or as we may call it - become enlightened. She was destined to spend the rest of her days alone on earth continuing to live her messy, human existence. Ultimately, her core group of friends refused to allow her to be alone and after ascending, chose instead to return to their messy, human existence together with her. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this ending because it allows me to question what I truly do value most in this lifetime. Do I really want to experience enlightenment in this lifetime? Maybe. But not if it means giving up the messiest, most painful human parts of myself. It's the messy, painful emotions that guide me toward my best life. They are what create the biggest expression of pride in accomplishing those very things I didn't think I could do. They are what give me the courage to reach out and become visible to friends, new and old alike, in an attempt to create connection. They are what allow me to feel greater expressions of love when those connections are reciprocated. Can this all be achieved in enlightenment? *shrugs shoulders* Maybe. But, seeing as how I'm not there yet - and don't anticipate it anytime soon, I am going to practice relieving myself of the judgement that I am doing something wrong by being my messy, painful, insecure teenage 47 year old self. And that is certainly something worth celebrating. |
AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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