I find it to be the most vulnerable thing to simply exist in a world that expects and rewards production. So much so that while I think I know who I am, I'm not sure anyone else knows except maybe my sisters - only because they've been there from the start before I could be anything but who I was.
It's really only been in the last year or so that I have even begun to know myself outside of what I can offer to the world. I used to get so confused when I would hear that I was worthy of love and belonging just by being who I am. My brain constantly searched for 'how' I would do that. How could I be me? I searched far and wide for how I could be me. A journey that started long before this past year as evidenced by my two hug journeys. I believed that the truth of who I am is love (true) so I set out to spread that love through hugs. Noble. Noble but also it was an act that I was doing in order to be worthy of the love and belonging I was desperate to find. My entire perception of the world revolved around give and take. If you invite me to your house I feel obligated to bring something in an act of being worthy of having been invited. Even my hobbies turned into opportunities for being worthy. I have yet to understand what it means to do something just for the fun of it. When I took Parkour it was with the expectation that one day in the near future I could start a social media page around the 45 year old that is taking Parkour. When I went out dancing it was because I wanted to be there for my friend's birthday or because I expected that maybe this would be the night I'd meet the love of my life. Neither of these are inherently wrong, it's just that I didn't know how to do these without expecting something out of them, something that showed me I was worthy. What would it even look like to go out dancing just because it was fun? I meditate now to find that space within me that is pure me. The one that doesn't need excuses or reasons for doing what I am doing. The one that doesn't need a reason to just be. I am slowly finding her, but the habit of doing is such a well-worn path that I need a ladder to get out of it. What I am learning is to celebrate each step up the next rung. I may not have any clue what it's going to look like when I embrace my joyful experiences simply because I exist. I may not have any clue what it's going to feel like when I embrace the truth that I am worthy simply because I am me. Honestly it scares me. And excites me. With every step up the rung of that ladder, I am moving farther away from what I do and so much closer to who I am. I am moving farther away from the belief that I am what I do and closer to the truth that I am me and that is exquisite.
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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