I have been a fan of the Buffalo Bills since the 4 Super Bowl 90's. I was in high school at the time and certain that they had to win at least one of those games, I bet on them every year. And, lost every year. No matter. I became an FFL (fan for life). I lived in CT at the time so most of the people I knew rooted for the Patriots, Giants or Jets. I couldn't be swayed, so when I met my ex-husband and he was a Bills fan too - well, I was certain it was meant to be.
We solidified ourselves as Bills Mafia with each year we traveled for a game in Buffalo. With each time we sought out fellow Mafia members at local Bills Backers bars to watch the game with them. Even now, as my ex and I are divorced, I will seek out those bars by myself because I know I am not alone the minute I walk in waiting for the game to start. My family is there too. The one I don't know but that I am inextricably connected to by the strength of our mutual love of the Bills. As a member of the Bills Mafia, I feel a strong sense of belonging. It doesn't matter if another member doesn't agree with my political views, my profession, the way I live my life or vice versa. On Sundays (and some Thursdays and Mondays) we belong to one another and nothing else matters. Sitting next to and with my fellow Mafia, I feel seen, understood, loved, and accepted. Isn't that what we all want? To be seen, understood, loved, and accepted? Do we need to belong to a team, society, clan, group, for this? Do we need to identify as Republican or Democrat; Straight or Gay; A Bills fan or Dolphins fan? Most of my life I have believed that I did. I believed I had to fit myself into one box or another; one cage or another to belong. So began my lifelong search of which cage suited me best. Being a Bills fan was a strong fit, but who was I among them outside of football season? I tried on being a Democrat, but well... politics. I felt certain I could easily identify with and definitely belong in the heterosexual cage, but the bars began closing in on me. Some cages feel better than others but in the end, they are all cages, even ones as broad as identifying as a woman. It took 47 years, two social experiments involving hugs, trying on hundreds if not thousands of identities to come to the conclusion that I will not belong anywhere until I belong to myself first. That is the key to all of the cages I have locked myself in. Pulling that key out of the pocket of my heart I had hidden for so long, I continue to stare at it uncertain if I am brave enough to free myself. All the while my soul whispers enticingly from the vast expanse of freedom, "come play where you truly belong."
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It's not actually a lesson, more like confirmation.
People are kind. Growing up I was taught that people are only out for themselves. I was taught that if someone has a chance to "screw you" they will. I was taught that people will take advantage of you. I was taught that if you offer them kindness, don't expect the same in return. I didn't believe any of it. Yet, I behaved as though I did because what if it was true? I didn't want to be that naive girl that was taken advantage of and have the people around me laughing and pointing their fingers, "we told you so." But, the Truth within me never gave up. Over 10 years after My Year of Hugs, where I hugged strangers every day for a year, and 3 years after my cross country hug journey I can say with absolute conviction: I WAS RIGHT. |
AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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