Yes, I see how it was brave of me to drive cross country staying with people I barely knew (or didn't know at all).
Yes, I see how it was brave of me to be vulnerable as I asked strangers for hugs. Yes, I see how it was brave of me to share myself with people I barely knew. Yes, I see how it was brave of me to trust people with my tender, self-conscious heart. What y'all don't see is how much braver I need to be in order to reveal myself to my family, my friends, my neighbors. It doesn't feel nearly as terrifying to reveal myself to a perfect stranger, someone I know I won't see very often - if ever again. But, someone that I know I am required to see again? Literally shaking in my boots. See, I don't necessarily care what someone I don't anticipate seeing again thinks about me. But, someone I may be seeing again tomorrow? Someone I want to see again tomorrow? I care. I am good at sharing the most desirable parts of myself to people I won't see again very often. I can safely imagine they will think good thoughts about me. Even if they don't, I won't be around to find out. Someone that I see on a regular basis? There are only so many desirable parts I have to share with them. Eventually, they will catch me on a bad day. They will notice my not so flattering quirks. No matter how hard I may try to hide, they will see me. What if they don't like what they see? What if they reject me? What if their rejection causes me to reject myself - again? My Year of Hugs and my cross-country hug adventure helped me grow as a person and love more deeply. They also revealed to me how afraid I am to get close to people - to have relationships with people. - to truly love them and allow them to love me back. So, day by day I am learning to lean more in to my relationships. I am learning to do the insanely brave, hard task of having meaningful relationships. Day by day I am learning to reveal more of myself to the people I love. While occasionally it has been met with rejection, it's mostly met with more love and connection. Yes, my hug adventures were brave, but allowing myself to be fully seen by those who are closest to me is my most courageous adventure yet.
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Walking along the frozen aisles of the local grocery store, I passed by the frozen vegetables and had an incredibly strong impulse when I saw the brussels sprouts. I absolutely had to have them. It made no sense, I don't think I had ever made them in my life, I barely remember even eating them. Once they were in my cart I had a second impulse that was much more visceral. I could taste how good they would be with a horseradish mustard. Was that even a thing? On a mission I backtracked to the condiment aisle where the object of my affection was found.
Yes, they were as delicious as I imagined them to be and I ate them nearly every day for the first trimester of my pregnancy. That first day I purchased the sprouts, the thought that I was pregnant entered my mind, but I didn't think it was possible. I was charting my cycle and it didn't make sense. But, my body knew exactly what it needed. Some call it a craving - and yes - I did have those, but this was more of a demand. I'm glad I listened. The interesting thing is that once I got past the 1st trimester, I hated every vegetable. They might look good on the plate, smell good even, but the minute they touched my lips I was ready to vomit. Again, it made no sense because according to all the experts, vegetables are necessary for a healthy diet - pregnant or not. My body was like, "Ah hell no." Much to my dismay - because I love vegetables - I listened. My pregnancy produced the most miraculous, healthy baby boy. I got to thinking about the demands my body made on me all those years ago during my walk this morning. Nearing the park by my house, I became aware of my body and what it was doing. I had been tapping my collarbone for I don't know how long. It may have started as soon as I walked out my door. This is an area that when tapped on, reduces stress and worry. My body knew what I needed before I was even consciously aware that I needed it and even took action. Often times I believe I know better than my body, especially when it is craving ice cream while I am trying to eat healthier or when it wants to rest when I think it should go running instead. The more I resist what my body is telling me, the more I resent it, the more I disconnect from it. The more I disconnect from it, the harder pretty much everything gets. Including writing. My body has been telling me for quite some time that it doesn't want long writing stretches. It likes to write no more than 40 minutes a day. I have begun honoring that. It's supremely uncomfortable. Even writing about it now has me itchy; like squirming in my seat, I can't believe I am writing that, itchy. I know my body's wisdom is greater than my own. I am still learning to trust that wisdom, but the only way to get to that trust is by trusting. So, slowly but surely, 40 minutes a day, my book is coming to light. Thank you body. Almost 6 years ago I discovered first hand that animals mirror us. My 2 year-old chihuahua, Tater Tot was neurotic, anxious and wanted to control everything. It was a hard pill to swallow when I recognized myself in his behavior. After months of denial, I finally saw that this was a gift.
I took the opportunity to learn more about myself through Tater's behaviors. I watched what he needed to soothe those behaviors and gave myself some of the same. Together, we healed. A portal to self-awareness opened up to me and I got curious about how else Tater was mirroring me. I also got curious about how other people's pets were mirroring them. I let the pets that I was dog sitting for tell me how best to work with their parents. I gave my friends advice based on what I was witnessing with their fur babies. I also got curious about where else this mirroring was happening. That led me to take Nature-Based Coach Training where I spent time honing the skill of curiosity as well as researching this mirroring effect and how I could continue to use it to grow. Everywhere I turned there was a teaching moment. The hawk that I almost hit when he swooped down in front of my car taught me to pay attention. The mass quantity of feathers I found over the course of a year taught me that I was always being guided. The boss that didn't respect me taught me that I wasn't respecting myself. So, it was no surprise that writing a memoir has been like holding a mirror up to my face every time I sit and place my fingers on the keyboard. What has surprised me is the depth of what it has shown me. Yes, I have continued to work through limiting beliefs and self-doubts but: It has also shown me how I show up in the world (very timidly), it has shown me that I am a kinetic learner (helpful to know when building a business or learning any new skill), and that it's important for me to learn to take up space and time when telling a story. These are not just teachable moments that will increase my success as a writer. These are teachable moments that show me how to fully embody who I am. They show me how to practice the skill of self-mastery - knowing myself so well that no outside influence could ever make me doubt my worth, my abilities and my importance in this world. Writing a memoir has been perhaps the most important mirror I have ever held up to myself. I wrote a great blog post.
Then, it deleted. I was already struggling for something to share and when I did finally get something out, it was great. Then it was gone. So it goes in life. The more I attempt to control an outcome, the more displeased I am with it. It's the perfect lesson of what I wanted to share here anyway. When I witnessed my entire post gone, my body filled with frustration and disgust. Then I remembered. All of life is an adventure if we let it. And, so I let go. I released all of the words drafted in the previous post and put my fingers to the keyboard curious as to what wanted to be shared instead. My cross country hug journey was an obvious, fun adventure. The writing of it, not so much. It's felt like a hard struggle for this past year. But, if I get curious and choose to see it differently; letting go of the expectations, what I find is: Spiritual growth A practice of discovering my writing voice A release of so many limiting beliefs Pride in what I am accomplishing What I find is that perhaps writing this book has been one of the greatest adventures of my life to date. How much fun could it be if I continued to write from the space of adventure rather than the space of expectation and control? Something inside me is raging right now, saying no - this is hard. You can't just shift gears and all of a sudden find it to be easy and fun. But... what if I don't expect the change to happen right away. What if I allow curiosity to lead me down a path of more ease and fun with no demands? I don't know what will happen but I do know that even just typing that out now I feel an expansion within my body that allows me to hope that it can be different. |
AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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