Yes, I see how it was brave of me to drive cross country staying with people I barely knew (or didn't know at all).
Yes, I see how it was brave of me to be vulnerable as I asked strangers for hugs. Yes, I see how it was brave of me to share myself with people I barely knew. Yes, I see how it was brave of me to trust people with my tender, self-conscious heart. What y'all don't see is how much braver I need to be in order to reveal myself to my family, my friends, my neighbors. It doesn't feel nearly as terrifying to reveal myself to a perfect stranger, someone I know I won't see very often - if ever again. But, someone that I know I am required to see again? Literally shaking in my boots. See, I don't necessarily care what someone I don't anticipate seeing again thinks about me. But, someone I may be seeing again tomorrow? Someone I want to see again tomorrow? I care. I am good at sharing the most desirable parts of myself to people I won't see again very often. I can safely imagine they will think good thoughts about me. Even if they don't, I won't be around to find out. Someone that I see on a regular basis? There are only so many desirable parts I have to share with them. Eventually, they will catch me on a bad day. They will notice my not so flattering quirks. No matter how hard I may try to hide, they will see me. What if they don't like what they see? What if they reject me? What if their rejection causes me to reject myself - again? My Year of Hugs and my cross-country hug adventure helped me grow as a person and love more deeply. They also revealed to me how afraid I am to get close to people - to have relationships with people. - to truly love them and allow them to love me back. So, day by day I am learning to lean more in to my relationships. I am learning to do the insanely brave, hard task of having meaningful relationships. Day by day I am learning to reveal more of myself to the people I love. While occasionally it has been met with rejection, it's mostly met with more love and connection. Yes, my hug adventures were brave, but allowing myself to be fully seen by those who are closest to me is my most courageous adventure yet.
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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