The second draft of my book is done!! It is rough, almost as rough as a first draft so I call it draft 1.5. But, it's done and I had it completed in time to fully enjoy the holidays!! Woo Hoo!! I bought myself this gorgeous citrine ring (from Celestial Moondust) in celebration of the accomplishment. I now wear it when I write to remind myself that I am a badass Goddess creating magic for the world.
It's a helpful reminder not just for when I'm writing, but for living. I woke the other morning thinking, "so, I wasn't expecting 47 to feel like this." What was I expecting? Well, firstly, I expected to feel like an adult. Even more, I expected to feel like a responsible adult. A settled, wise, responsible adult. What is the reality? I still feel like an irresponsible, confused, frightened teenager floundering her way through life. There is a big difference though. I am now aware that these feelings likely won't change and I may forever feel this way. Rather than feeling overwhelmed, it makes me feel empowered. I think those feelings are indications that I am doing something right. When I find myself in a state of contentment, it rarely lasts and most often, if I try to hold on to it, it leads me to a state of boredom and restlessness. An indicator that I have stopped living and am attempting to control what life is supposed to look like. As soon as I begin the very vulnerable process of 'life-ing' again, I feel like that irresponsible, confused frightened teenager again - no matter how old I am. And, I never would have imagined I would say this, but I absolutely prefer these feelings to boredom and restlessness. I recently finished watching The 100 with my oldest. (It's gory and intense, but it was time well spent with my teenager) At the end (Spoiler alert - if you haven't finished it and plan to - STOP READING!!) one of the characters fails to 'ascend' or as we may call it - become enlightened. She was destined to spend the rest of her days alone on earth continuing to live her messy, human existence. Ultimately, her core group of friends refused to allow her to be alone and after ascending, chose instead to return to their messy, human existence together with her. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this ending because it allows me to question what I truly do value most in this lifetime. Do I really want to experience enlightenment in this lifetime? Maybe. But not if it means giving up the messiest, most painful human parts of myself. It's the messy, painful emotions that guide me toward my best life. They are what create the biggest expression of pride in accomplishing those very things I didn't think I could do. They are what give me the courage to reach out and become visible to friends, new and old alike, in an attempt to create connection. They are what allow me to feel greater expressions of love when those connections are reciprocated. Can this all be achieved in enlightenment? *shrugs shoulders* Maybe. But, seeing as how I'm not there yet - and don't anticipate it anytime soon, I am going to practice relieving myself of the judgement that I am doing something wrong by being my messy, painful, insecure teenage 47 year old self. And that is certainly something worth celebrating.
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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