I have set my inner navigational system to True North. It's leading me to a life of rule breaking and bad assery as mentioned in the previous post. I just have one big complication:
I have a deeeeeeeeeep rooted belief that if I don't follow the rules I will be unloved, misunderstood, rejected, and become a social pariah. I will not belong. As a human being, I am wired for this belonging and it feels so unsafe to move beyond the "rules" that any attempt at rule breaking causes me to do one of the F's. (fight, flight, freeze, fawn). Last night, I fought. Today, I have frozen with a massive desire to flee. Is there such a thing as too much grace? I feel I continue to give myself grace over and over again during these times and then worry I have allowed grace to become another crutch, another explanation (to myself) of why I am not taking action on following my True North. But, many days just feel hard. Even on the days when it's not hard, I feel like I'm spinning my wheels toward a goal that seems to stay *just* out of reach. I often wonder, "Is this what it's like to be normal?" "Will I even recognize a life that is not lived in survival mode?" "Am I really that far off the mark from the people I admire? Or, are they just like me with a bit more chutzpah?" I think "normal" is just a perceived expectation of what it looks like when we follow the rules. I tried on normal. It really didn't fit me well no matter how many times I altered it. I am beginning to understand that perhaps the days that feel hard are not because I'm doing something wrong but because I'm doing something very right. I'm unraveling the thread of the sheep's costume and allowing myself to become more naked and exposed. Vulnerable. It's unknown space and the more I recognize this, the more I feel a different standard of grace. One that allows for action rather than reaction. It is the grace that appreciates the safety measures my body has in place while continuing to lean into the unknown rather than retreating. The trauma response in the body is real y'all. It is convincing. It powerfully stands guard at the doorway to freedom with prophesies of the many varieties of death available to me if I so much as twist the doorknob. I am not strong enough to slay the trauma response on my own. My new standard of grace includes all the tools I have learned and the community I have built as a shield that protects me as I crack open the door for a peek at the unknown I am destined for.
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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