lThere are a few things in my life that I don't understand that everyone else seems to. Actually, probably more than a few but two of them feel more pronounced to me. Sarcasm and Othering.
Sarcasm (I'm going to lump teasing in with this one too). I hate it. I think it's just plain mean and I always have. There always felt like there was an element of truth in it and that people used it as a way to say what they really meant while still having the excuse of, "oh but I was just joking" if it didn't land well. I grew up around an extended family full of sarcasm. It was traumatic to not know what to believe. It left me feeling stupid most of the time. I often heard, "don't be so sensitive" or "I was just joking, jeez". If it was just a joke, why did it hurt so bad? Those were some of the moments that made me feel like I didn't belong. It seemed like everyone else was either in on the joke or understood when someone was being sarcastic. It seemed they didn't feel as hurt by it as I did. I felt too sensitive. I felt confused. And, I learned to play along. I learned to fit in and pretend it didn't hurt me. I even learned how to use sarcasm but every time I did I felt a part of my soul wither away. It just wasn't me. I felt cruel and deceitful when I did it. It has taken many years to unlearn this bad habit but I am in the process of living in integrity with myself and sarcasm has no place there. Othering. This has been something I have struggled with for years. I couldn't understand how people could judge one another based on one aspect of their life, because that's truly all othering is. They are republican therefore they are x, y, z. That person is autistic therefore they are x, y, z. That person is introverted therefore they are x, y, z. The list goes on. These are labels that I watch people use to distinguish themselves as different from the person they are othering. This is hurtful on so many levels even when the person that is being othered is placed on a pedestal. Othering allows us to see someone as less than human (or greater than ourselves). This othering is a slippery slope that lets people fall in to finding justification for being cruel to another or themselves. When we other, we stop seeing a person as an individual. We stop seeing their humanity. When we stop seeing their humanity, we stop being human to them. We justify laws that deny their basic fundamental rights. We justify refusing to allow them into our social circle. We even justify self-harm by way of eating disorders and addictions because we can't stand the judgements we place on ourselves for not being more like them. Othering has broken my heart since I was five years old crying into my dad's arms wondering, "why are people so mean to each other?" Just last week I cried into my own arms wondering, "why are people so mean to each other?" (This includes me being mean to others and myself. I am not exempt despite the way it breaks my heart.) Today I listened to a We Can Do Hard Things Podcast with Dr. Orna Guralnik. She offered up a reframe of othering that I appreciated and am excited to dive into for myself. She expressed the importance of othering in relationship. If we simply surrounded ourselves with people that are just like us, our world would be so boring. It's the variety that we bring to each other that gives life meaning. This got me to thinking differently about othering. I think it comes down to the way we are speaking about the 'others'. What if instead of saying, "they are a republican" and automatically assuming x, y, z about them, we said, "they believe in republican views, I wonder what else they believe in." Curiosity is the way of nature. Maybe if we began approaching others with curiosity instead of judgement we could find ourselves in a brand new landscape of relationships. Maybe we could start looking out for one another. Maybe we can begin to look for the humanity in each other first and allow judgement to be a tool we use to discern who we choose to be around and love while still honoring that other person (or other people) and all of who they are. I'm just so tired of being different. Scratch that. I'm just so tired of trying to fit in. Look y'all, if you use sarcasm on me, I will probably look at you funny wondering if you are being truthful or not and I certainly will not find it funny. Ever. And, if I hear you othering someone, I will continue to redirect the conversation. Yes - I have even redirected conversations about some of the most horrific evil-doers in history. They are all still human, whether we want to believe it or not and I believe it's important that we do. Which brings me to the topic of oneness-but that's a blog post for another day.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
Categories |