It has taken me years to identify my creative process. It's the same process I use to enter a cold pool. I do not jump right in. I dip my toes until they are comfortable, then up to my ankles until they are adjusted, then possibly up to my knees and so on and so forth allowing each part to become comfortable and adjusted until finally I am all in.
This weekend I experienced the same process with my animal healing. Working with a tarantula was an uncomfortable, frightening situation. Spiders are one of the only beings that I am actually afraid of. I love them...from a distance. I started with performing energy healing on the spider through the cage. I was comfortable with the top off as his mom let me know he isn't a jumper. Keeping my hands close to the cage I was able to facilitate the energy required for his healing session. However, I knew I wanted to push the edges of my discomfort and grow. Once the session was over, I had a greater sense of comfort with him because I had felt his energy and recognized his calm nature. This was a great opportunity to wade into the waters up to my ankles. I let his mom know I wanted to hold him, but that I was only comfortable for a quick minute. Just long enough for her to take a picture then she needed to grab him again. I nearly backed out twice. My feet weren't as comfortable as I thought they were. But, like in the cold pool, I knew I may not ever feel 100% ready for the next step. I held my hands out and invited him over. His mom gave him a gentle nudge and he worked his way on to my hands. Breathing slowly through the anxiety that wanted to burst forth from my core, I paid attention to the soft sweet spot each leg touched on my hand. I focused on his soft, velvety body. As his mom took the picture, I allowed myself to become as comfortable as possible. And, in a few quick flashes it was over. I had not gotten comfortable enough to let him continue to stay on my hands or - worse - move farther up my arms. "Ok, I'm done. You can take him now." I nervously laughed to his mom. Holding her hands back out to him, he recognized her invitation to return and made his way back to his own comfort zone. Later in the day, I judged myself and wondered why I didn't hold him longer. I knew I could have. I knew it wasn't as terrifying as I had made it out to be. And, in that thought I recognized my creative process. I am comfortable until I'm not, then I move into the discomfort zone, then get comfortable again. Even away from the tarantula, the growth continued until I recognized that I was ready to move past my ankles and up to my knees. This is where time becomes a poor match. I didn't have enough time to allow for my body to become adjusted to a tarantula sitting on my hands. If I had handed him back to his mom then had the time to sit with her for a while longer, I likely would have experienced the desire to try again while in proximity of the spider and my comfort level would have grown. I find that with my writing, I don't allow for this creative process of mine. Time becomes a factor. I want to be published by a certain time and hit deadlines made up in my head. I want to jump right in to the deep end. Only, every time I do, I jump right back out and never get comfortable enough to learn the process, much less enjoy it. I recently went back to the beginning and placed my feet in the water up to my ankles. With all the times that I jumped in to the deep end, I found the writing quite comfortable right away. I wanted to stay there. Only, I can't. This week it's time to move past my ankles and toward my knees. I know it won't be easy. I know the discomfort will make me want to get out and say no, but I also know that I won't. I will breathe through the anxiety and stay until it becomes as comfortable as possible. Then, I know it will be time to move on again. The process has become enjoyable. I may not hit my desired timelines, but fortunately I have the freedom to adjust them.
1 Comment
Suzanne Nemec
5/2/2022 03:06:02 pm
I love this story you shared with all of us. It's beautiful and very relatable.
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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