I'm not sure how old I was when I stopped believing that I was enough just the way I was. I am certain the process of overriding my innate worthiness began before I hit double digits. Teachers loved me because I worked hard, followed the rules and got good grades. My friends loved me because I was a good listener and gave good advice. Strangers loved me because I was kind and always smiling.
After almost 40 years of practicing transactional love, it has become a belief that I am only worthy of love based on what I can offer others. Ugh. The belief runs so deep that I don't even understand what it means to be worthy of love just because I am me. That thought breaks my brain. Who am I? How can I trust that? What if I allow myself to believe I am worthy only to lose everything when I embrace my most authentic self and show that self to the world? My most authentic self does not like to work hard or follow the rules. She is not always a good listener and often gives terrible unsolicited advice. She is angry most of the time and rarely smiles anymore. She is not someone that feels worthy of any love - unconditional or transactional. I am ashamed to admit that a big part of the reason I hired a book coach and a financial coach was just as much about hiring them to be my friends as it was about wanting to write my book or learn to manage my money better. If I paid them, then they had to show up for me. Transactional. No wonder I am so angry all the time. I am depriving myself of love. The walls guarding myself against the pain of heartbreak, whether platonic or romantic are thick with lies that I have believed so long, even those that want to love me unconditionally - can't. My hug journeys were a way of unknowingly chipping at those walls. The year of hugs was my way of sharing that unconditional love with others - to let them know they were worthy of love just by existing in my world. Only, I didn't allow myself to receive it back. No amount of sharing that love with others translated back to feeling like I was worthy of the same. The cross-country journey was my way of asking the question, "am I worthy of love just because I exist in your world?" Only the answer seemed like such a foreign concept to me I still was unable to embrace the truth. Despite the way I was embraced and truly, unconditionally loved on that trip, I have continued to search for ways since then to prove I was worthy. Including writing my memoir. Initially, I was writing it for them - transactional. The problem with writing it for them means I have to continue conforming to the transactional love which defeats the purpose, is not authentic, and my book is refusing to be written that way. This memoir is attempting to not only chip away at that thick wall of beliefs but crumble it entirely. It's uncomfortable, confusing, and scary. As much as I want to allow that wall to crumble, it doesn't yet feel safe within my body to do so. With humans anyway. Fortunately, I have plenty of animals surrounding me that don't know any different who are willing to guide and hold me in that unconditional love as the flimsy foundation of those outdated beliefs wither away. Without a foundation to hold them, there will be no other option than to allow my authentic self to shine free of beliefs that were never mine to begin with.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
Categories |