Last week I wrote about limitations and how we have the choice to suffer... or not. Less than 24 hours ago, the supreme court reversed the decision of Roe v Wade and I am choosing to suffer; only it doesn't feel like a choice. When I saw the news, my body shut down. It's what it learned to do at a very early age and continued to practice until it became automatic. In the wake of the recent news, I found myself obsessing over what people were saying keeping my fingers glued to my phone screen as I scrolled. The rage coming through the screen was palpable. I felt mostly numb trying to wrap my brain around something that I knew was inevitable even while still hoping for a miracle. I barely registered the gorgeous home I am temporarily residing in as I care for the family's dogs. A pool, gardens, swing under a canopy, enormous chef's kitchen, movie theater style tv room inviting me to play and all I could do was move from chair to chair scrolling my feed. Now it's the next morning. My feelings are rising as the novocaine of my automatic response wears off. This has been my new practice, inviting the novocaine to wear off so I can feel my feelings. I have chosen to feel them so I can embrace all of life. As my shame, anger, grief rise I wish the numbness lasted a little - or a lot- longer. My brain wants to go into solve it mode. What can I do? What can I say? How can I make an impact? My body remembers what it's like to feel powerless and is trying to convince my brain of that truth. Yet, my heart is begging me to hear something new. I can't access it yet. I believe it may be hidden beyond the layers of pain. The question left before me is: Am I ready to dig through the depths of that pain knowing the treasure I am seeking is on the other side? My heart beckons me with the promise of clarity and freedom for us all. It's a quest worthy of the noblest warrior. I am not noble today. Perhaps not even tomorrow, but I know my heart never fails me. She will gently continue beckoning until the warrior within me is ready to rise.
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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