Recently, I struggled falling asleep. My mind was churning around how good it felt to be sick. Let me explain.
I was pretty sick for three weeks. During that time, I was incapable of doing most things except keeping myself, my boys, and my pets alive. I had a reprieve from my daily mind chatter. Without the capability to write, plan, schedule, attend meetings, or anything else I might do to write my book or build my business, I also had nothing to shame myself for. Which brings me back to not being able to fall asleep. When I finally started feeling better, I was terrified to return to 'real life'. I didn't want my mind chatter to return. It's exhausting. It's constantly reminding me of all I haven't accomplished. It's shaming me for the choices I've made. It's encouraging me to do work that is uninspired. It's trying to convince me I can't do this. I can't write a book, be an entrepreneur, create the life of my dreams. So, as I lay there praying to fall asleep, my mind made one final plea...just go out and get a regular job with security, a guaranteed paycheck, insurance and you know...be responsible. Fortunately for me, I talk to animals. So, in this time of crisis, I turned to a familiar cheetah to show me the way. Her name is Tabitha. She is tattooed on my arm. If you've read Untamed by Glennon Doyle, then you know her. She was the star of the prologue. She did not know life out of captivity, but still carried the wild streak within her. I resonate with her. I want to live free for her. So I asked her, "what would you do if you were finally freed?" Her answer shocked me. "I would freak out and probably wouldn't survive." What?? Then she reminded me of the time I volunteered for a wildlife rehabilitation and the many months or longer required to rehab these injured and sick animals before they were released back into the wild. They were required to graduate through baby steps. First, they were kept in small enclosures to limit movement where their food was delivered directly to them, then they graduated to a larger area where they had more room to move but their food source was still delivered directly to a food bowl, then the food was hidden to ensure the animal could find their food, then they graduated to live food to ensure they could hunt and kill their food. Of course, there may be many other steps or varied steps depending on the animal, but never were they transitioned directly from a small enclosure to the wild. They wouldn't survive. Why did Tabitha remind me of this? Because for the past few years I have been attempting to skip the baby steps and head directly into the wild. Until a few years ago, I was living the expected life - being a wife, mother, and caretaker of our house and lives. My life was not my own, not because I was forced into that role, but because I believed that it was what was expected of me. My mind is still trapped in the belief systems that kept me in that personal enclosure for many years. Of course I was terrified to return to 'real life'. I had a taste of personal freedom while I was sick and I didn't know how to maintain that freedom once I returned to writing my book and building my business. What I now see is that the freedom I have been longing for all along is the freedom from the constraints, judgements and shame-filled bullying of my mind. If I were to jump into that freedom without baby steps, my mind might explode (unless it's ravaged by a fever-filled haze). But, what I can do is take that feeling of freedom I experienced while sick and use it as a compass. What is the next baby step I could take toward feeling that freedom while I write? What is the next baby step I could take toward feeling that freedom while I build my business? Do I need a break? Do I need to stay on the step I am on until I am ready to graduate to the next right baby step? This is my journey. There is no rush. I want to graduate through those baby steps so I know I will be prepared for the ultimate freedom - the wild, creative, uninhibited future I long for. One last nugget of wisdom Tabitha had for me? Enjoy it all. The freedom. The journey toward the freedom and even the enclosure. Joy is mine for the having no matter what stage of the process I am in.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
Categories |