I have been terrified to write this blog post. Even as I was scrolling through my pictures deciding which one to use, my hands started to shake (they still are), my stomach got queasy, my entire body tensed up and I felt my face begin to flush. If you are not familiar with nervous system dis-regulation you may not be aware that I was in fact activating my f-responses. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Let me share how that shows up in my thought process:
I can totally write about how fucked up it is that I was taught all my life it wasn't ok to demand or even request attention without being shamed (fight) I could wait another week until I feel more ready to write this blog post (flight) I don't really have anything to say so maybe I won't write a post at all (freeze) Ok, wait. I can write about the ways I like to seek attention and how that's good and important because I can use it to benefit the greater good of humanity (fawn) The truth of the matter is I freaking love attention. I love being the center of attention. I love being known and seen and heard by masses of people. I have been this way since I came out of the womb, I'm certain of it. But, it was shamed out of me before I even hit 1st grade. I know this because of my response when I was given the opportunity to be Cinderella in the school play. It was perfect. A role that I was born to play. As I sat staring at the large script of lines I had to memorize, a friend(?) leaned over and said, "you know, Cindy really wanted that part." I already felt like the outsider in this classroom after having been pulled from another because they didn't have enough books for me to read. I was desperate to fit in. I looked again at the large script and made it make sense in my mind to give up my dream role. I'm not sure I can memorize that many lines anyway She will probably do a better job Everyone would probably rather see her up there than me, everyone already likes her If I don't give it to her everyone will probably be mad at me and then no one will ever like me Besides, she is prettier than me I also knew that my selfless act of giving up the role to her would allow me to be perceived as a kind, generous person who is worthy of being liked. So, I handed the script over to her squeals of "really? oh my gosh, thank you so much!" And, instead I played the supporting role of raccoon with only one line. I regret that to this day. Yes, my hug journeys were a way of attracting the attention I was desperate for. And also, yes, they helped to serve the greater good of humanity. Which has led me to wonder... What if my innate desire for attention is the exact formula I need within myself to be able to make the impact on this world I came here for? And also, what if I can just accept being someone who craves attention? Who can I become in embracing this beautiful gift? What if the only impact I make in embracing this shameful side of myself is that I create a life that makes me feel happy and fulfilled? Isn't that enough?
1 Comment
Amanda
11/7/2022 10:31:13 am
That is absolutely enough. Stand in your light!
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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