I remember before getting divorced being forewarned that 'wherever I go, there I am'. If I was unhappy in the marriage, I would be unhappy outside of it unless I did the internal work first.
It terrified me to think I might be just as unhappy outside my marriage as within it. So I did what I thought was the internal work. I mean, I was seeing therapists, an energy healer, reading alllllll the self help books, practicing self-care, and more. I journaled, took walks in nature, went to sound healings, meditated... you name it. I did it. I felt calm when I finally left my marriage. I was certain I did the internal work and that peace and happiness would finally be mine. I heard when people continued to say I needed to find that peace and happiness before I left, but man, that felt impossible. I was absolutely certain I had to get out in order to find that peace and happiness. There were too many triggers within my marriage. Two years ago Chris and I separated. The first few months were peace-filled. Living in Florida with my sister, I had time to rest away from my triggers. When I returned to Atlanta I was ready to start fresh. The only issue was 'wherever I went, there I was.' The triggers were still there...outside of my marriage. Shit. For the next year and a half the real work began. Self-healing work can be facilitated by all the people and tools I had used, but the actual work could only be done by me. I resisted that as much as I could until I had no choice but to either face my darkness head on or align with it and be ok with living an unhappy life. I knew I was meant for a joyful, peace-filled existence. I wasn't willing to give up until it was found. So, I faced my darkness, aka self-hate. Every day I chose joy despite the fears and beliefs that wanted me to choose different. Sometimes the darkness still won. On those days, I chose grace. I began to learn what it truly meant to love myself. Ultimately, the love prevailed. Now, my days have far more joy, peace, and love than they do darkness. It's true when they say, "Love wins." For the first time in my life since I was a child I can say - and mean it when I say - I absolutely love myself. Every single inch of myself. Every cell of my being. All of my decisions, all of my embarrassments, all of my accomplishments, all of my failures, all. of. me. A week ago I spent time with my family in Florida amidst tragedy. My old beliefs and patterns resurfaced during this time. I found my way back to the unhappy darkness. Driving the 7 hours home by myself I had time to give myself grace and practice loving myself the way I learned over the past 18 months. Halfway home, a smile spread wide across my face as I heard the words in my head, 'wherever you go, there you are'. The feeling that accompanied the statement this time surprised me. It no longer scared me. It had become one that brought me immense peace for I knew that from now on, regardless of where I went, there I would be.
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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