I've been noticing lately how people talk about depression. ****TW: Talks of depression/suicide including my own deep thoughts. Please care for your mental wellness first. If you even think this could spiral you, please move on to another post. Dial 988 if you are deep in it.**** Also-those pictures above have captions to make them make sense for this post. I don't know why they aren't showing, but maybe if you click on the image they'll appear?
What I notice is what's missing. I notice 'normies' (apparently there are actually people out there who haven't felt the grip of depression?) asking questions about someone's intentional death. "How did this happen?" "They had everything going for them." "What are their finances like?" "Were they in some trouble we didn't know about?" I believe that people seeking the answers are truly looking to help fix depression. Noble. The problem is that someone like me sees those questions and wonders, "what is wrong with me?" "I do have everything going for me." "I'm not in trouble." "Clearly I do need fixing." Then there are the group of people - like myself - who post over and over again, we need to talk more about depression. We need to talk about mental illness. We need to destigmatize it. The problem with this is that no one is. All we are doing is talking about how much we need to talk about it. We are waiting for someone else to begin the conversation so we can go, "yeah, yeah. Me too!" "Finally, I don't feel so alone." So, we continue on thinking that maybe we are broken. Maybe we really are the only one with these insane thoughts and feelings. A few brave people have come out and said, "I have depression. I have struggled with thoughts of suicide." This helps. This starts the conversation. I'm grateful when this comes from someone famous because their reach is far and wide. But, what's truly missing is what depression looks like. It's not the random day we find ourselves wrapping the covers over our heads, getting out of bed only long enough to make a cup of tea to soothe our aching soul, although this is a part of it. I know that it looks different for everyone but in the interest of continuing the conversation that started with "I have depression", I would like to share what depression looks and feels like for me. I sometimes go a week without showering. I joke about how I am proud of my desire to not shower every day, it's not good for the skin anyway. What I don't share is that the last time I showered was more than 5 days ago. I wonder if they can smell the truth? Often my entire day is spent pressing my finger against my phone searching for the next social media post that will fill my heart with joy, or at least ease the pain of my life a little. But, when the post ends, I have to look for another, and another until I find myself getting ready for bed trying not to think about the shame I feel for once again getting nothing done. I think I must be doing ok, because at least I can still get a blog post out each week. I must be ok because at least I wrote a chapter of my book. I must be ok because at least I was able to head out and buy groceries, walk the dog, make plans with my friend. But, I don't want to dance. I don't want to listen to music. I don't want to go for that hike in the woods. I sometimes hope my friends will cancel so I don't have to leave my house. I don't laugh at very obviously funny things. It's like my laughter is broken. I don't want to talk to animals. I don't want to meditate. I desperately want to feel good but I don't want to smile. It feels too hard. I know that a lot of those things have actually been mentioned. I have seen people talk about those. So, let me also share what is happening in my head because I think this is where we are missing the mark in talking about depression. 6am: "Today is going to be a good day. I feel it. I believe in myself" "I'm going to try dancing this morning just for the hell of it. Get the endorphins going." 6:15am "Oh right, my belly is fatter than it's ever been. I forgot about that. It's so uncomfortable." "I can feel how big it is even without clothes on." "I wonder if my clothes will fit today. Maybe I'll just wear yoga pants again. It's not like I have anywhere important to go." 6:30am "I have to go feed Tater and let him out. Ok, let me fill my water first, take my supplements, and down the rest of the 32oz so I can be sure to get my full intake of water in. Then I'll feed him and let him out. Once I am done I can go for my morning walk." (Everything is planned out in my head before I actually do it) 6:35am Walk begins "It's so cold out. I just don't really want to be out here but this always helps to clear my head. What if it doesn't this morning? What do I have to do today? I know I should write. Oh, I haven't posted anything on TikTok for a while. Shit. They are going to dock me, probably won't show my next video. Gah, I don't want to have to post every day. I hate consistency. I hate expectations of consistency. Oh look, the sun is starting to lighten the sky." Deep breath "Oh, right. I forgot life really is beautiful. I hope I can remember that today." 6:45am "what would I do without my morning walks? They really refresh me every time. Why do I ever not want to go for one?" 7:00 Drinking tea on my front porch playing word games on my phone *no thoughts* 7:30am Done with the games "Oh shit. I missed the rest of the sunrise. I wonder if it was colorful. Ok, time to start the day. What should I do first?" Walk back into house, put tea mug down in sink unwashed. 7:35am Pick up phone and start scrolling social media. "Shit. I shouldn't have even started. Oh well, now that I'm here let's see what everyone else is up to. Is there any major news? Maybe I can find some inspiration for the day. I mean most of my inspiration does come from social media posts these days so really, I need to be on here scrolling so I can find some." 9:35am "Holy shit. It's 9:30 and I haven't done anything yet today. What is wrong with me? Why can't I just stop? I feel worse now than I did when I started. That always happens. When will I learn?" Back to scrolling because I can't stand the thoughts I'm having and the way I'm feeling. 11:45am "I'm hungry. This is a good break. This will break the patterns/habits I am in. I'll enjoy lunch while listening to a podcast. They often inspire me then maybe I'll actually do something when I'm done with lunch." 12:10pm Done with lunch but the podcast is still going. "Well, I need to finish out this podcast. This is some good stuff. I feel inspired. I can't wait until it's over and I can get to work on some of the goal setting they are talking about." 12:45pm Podcast is over. "Shit. Now what? Wasn't I just inspired by something? I can't remember what it was. I can't remember what I wanted to do. I want to do something. I should write that way I am closer to getting my book finished but fuck, I don't want to write. I should only write when I'm inspired so I don't write something really shitty. Ok, then what? I should clean. No, I don't want to do that. What the fuck do I even want to do? Maybe I could go for an easy hike. I mean, I say that I love nature so much, wouldn't that make me feel better? Nah, I don't want to do that either. Maybe I'll just watch tv. No, I don't want to do that. I could get dinner prepped? I was going to make that lemon shrimp pasta dish tonight. There is no prep work to do. Now is a good time to try something new like I've been wanting to. Maybe I'll try drawing? Nah. Painting? Nah. Fuck. Maybe I'll just sit on the front porch. Hmm, I could do that. Let me heat up some water for hot coca and I'll drink that while I'm out there. Nice. 12:55pm Cozied up on the front porch with a blanket and hot cocoa with whipped cream, I leave my phone inside. "Ahh, this is good. I feel decadent and comforted." "I probably shouldn't be drinking this cocoa. I haven't even exercised yet today. This isn't going to help me lose weight. I'm probably dealing with menopause, that's why this weight is so hard to come off. Probably why I'm feeling so depressed lately too. Oh good, at least I have an excuse for the way I am being. Maybe I should call the doctor? Shit, I don't want to go on hormone therapy. I could call my holistic doctor. Do I have the money for that? Where did all my money go? Why am I not inside doing work on my business so I can make more money? Eventually my money is going to run out then what am I going to do? Everyone will know I'm the loser that I already knew I was. Why can't I just get my shit together and do what needs to be done to make my business successful? I KNOW I am capable. Why am I not behaving capable? Complaining about it isn't going to get it done. Nothing has worked for me so far to get my company off the ground. Maybe I wasn't meant to be an entrepreneur. No one believes in me. No one believes in what I do. Well, they sure never are if I keeping thinking this way. I mean, I know enough about energy to know that these low-vibe thoughts are just going to bring more of the same. I need to raise my vibration. I should go in and do some energy work on myself. Fuck, if I don't even want to do it for myself, why would anyone want to pay me to do it for them?" 12:57pm "Well, that didn't help." Takes the last sips of cocoa and heads inside. ***Literally stopped writing this so I could numb out on social media for a minute or three*** 1pm No joke, I go back on social media still hoping that something will spark me wanting to do something other than scroll 3:15pm This day is not an exaggeration. I wish it was. "Shit. I'm pretty sure I have an addiction to social media. I have to put it down! Let me try reading for a minute, but let me make sure it's a self-help book so I can at least feel like I am accomplishing something of myself." 4:05pm Put down Codependent No More by Melody Beattie because I resonate so much with being a codependent and having an addiction that the pain weaves its way through every part of my brain and is winding down into my heart breaking it even more than it was today. The heart break is my souls attempt at offering compassion and comfort, but I can't receive it because it hurts too much and I don't think I am capable of facing that pain. 415pm "It's almost 5, I can call it quits on the work day. I wasn't going to get anything done anyway. I should switch it up though and watch some tv rather than social media. It's making me feel like shit anyway." Actually, that's me doing a fine job of making me feel like shit. 5:30pm get up to make dinner "Ok, I need to remember that I love this meal too much. I have to remember not to eat too much of it so I can still fit in to my jeans tomorrow, so I don't have one more reason to continue to shame myself for not being enough. Who am I kidding? I have no self control. I will probably eat most of the meal anyway. God, I am so disgusting. I haven't gotten any texts from my friends today. Of course they don't want to talk to me. What do I even have to offer them anyway? I sit around on my couch all day doing nothing. I wouldn't want to be friends with me either. I'm lucky Tater (my chihuahua) loves me, although sometimes I think he just puts up with me because I feed him. I mean look at that face, he's probably terrified of me. I don't blame him, I would be too. I am so damn unpredictable. I mean I fly off the handle for no apparent reason all the time. He hasn't done anything wrong but I scream at him everytime he barks like that will actually make him stop. Of course it won't, I know that but it doesn't stop me anyway. God, I know better. Why am I like this. I wish I wasn't like this." Eventually by the end of the day the thoughts are a succession like this, "Another day wasted. What am I doing with my life? This isn't the life I wanted to live. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe I do need to see a doctor. I probably should. I haven't been in years. With the amount of shame and stress I put on myself I must have cancer by now. Maybe that's good. Sometimes it just feels better to have something to fight. I certainly don't have goals. I don't even have the energy to want goals. I want a better life for myself. I am not going to get a better life for myself thinking this way. I need to think new thoughts. How do I think new thoughts? I don't know what I'm doing. I just want my brain to stop. At least when I drink it shuts off temporarily. I hate that I decided to stop drinking to 'better myself'. what the fuck was I thinking. This is not better. Nothing has changed except I no longer have moments of reprieve from the fucking mess I call my mind. *screaming internally* I just want it to shut the fuck up. I want all of my thoughts to just fucking go away. I can't take it anymore. I can't do this anymore. Please God - do something. Help me. I can't live this way anymore." At this point I either throw shit in my home, cry myself to sleep, or more likely jump back on social media to shut up the nasty, bullying voices in my head. And, this is just a glimpse of the lies my brain tells me every single day. I didn't want to share this. I know why people don't share. It's shameful. It's embarrassing. It's victim energy. I expect people will think different of me. They will pity me. They will want to fix me. They will no longer want anything to do with me. I can't care anymore. We are losing too many good people at a very alarming rate. We don't even necessarily need to talk about this, but we do need to bring it to light. I have these thoughts almost every damn day. I came to realize a few years ago that according to the thoughts I think, I absolutely hate myself. I try every day to love myself more and I have come a long way, but the hate eventually works its way forward again. Shame can't survive the light of day. So, here is my shame. If this resonates with you, may it bring you some peace knowing you are not alone. If you know someone like this, please don't offer fixes. Every time you suggest medication, or going to a therapist, or a doctor, you are confirming in their (my) mind that they (I) are (am) broken. As long as I think I am broken, the shame has something to hold on to. What you can do instead is sit with them. Tell them you love them. Give them a hug. Reach out in a text and tell them you are thinking of them or some form of communication that doesn't require a response because they may not be capable. Let them come to you to ask for help. Let them recognize their own need for help and find their own way to that help. I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but offering them this grace let's them know that you know they are capable. This is the most you can do. And, if you want to comment on this post with words of comfort, encouragement, fixes, explanations - don't. This post was never about me. It is about bringing shame to light. It's about talking about depression. I do not need soothing. If I wasn't ok to some degree I couldn't have written this to begin with. It is because I am ok that I feel the responsibility to share. I am not who you should worry about. It's the ones that aren't talking at all. If that is you, I love you. I see you. I am you and we will survive this season of our life. We will find joy. We will rise up out of the depths...together. I know you know we will emerge and it will be worth it.
1 Comment
Gary
12/19/2022 05:06:51 pm
Awesome blog. Absolutely riveting.
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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