Last week I wrote this post about how it feels to be me when I'm depressed. I was breaking the rule, "thou shalt not overshare." Let me break that rule again and give you another peak into how my brain works.
How I have heard this rule in my life: oversharing makes others uncomfortable, no one needs to know that about me, what am I trying to get out of it?, I am just looking for attention, I am just looking for validation outside myself, you can't say things that are weird, gross, shameful, triggering. How my brain works: WHAT THE FUCK AM I ACTUALLY ALLOWED TO SAY? Or, how the hell am I supposed to let people know who I am then? See, those things are all I really want to talk about. That's what makes me, me. What I expect to get out of it is that if I keep being my oversharing self then eventually I will find others that accept me as I am. Eventually, breaking that rule will lead me to my blue-skinned people (reference to Shel Silverstein.) I spent most of my life following the rule. Unsurprisingly, it led me to relationships that were with people who only liked the surface version of me that I presented. When I went deeper, when I began to overshare, these relationships fell apart. In my attempt to be the good "rule follower" each lost relationship was confirmation that I couldn't overshare. That rule felt valid. Then, I got tired. I got tired of being something everyone else wanted me to be. I awkwardly cried every time a weird, gross, shameful, or triggering thing (movie, book, conversation) touched on the tender spots in my heart that hid those very things that were a part of my soul. I cried over not being allowed to show myself to the world. The fatigue grew and grew until I knew I had two choices, continue to be a rule follower and slowly die a painfully shallow, numb existence or break free and risk losing everything. If you've been following my blog, you know that I chose door #2. The fascinating thing is that since oversharing in last week's post, I feel more free than ever. I have had some of those debilitating thoughts, but more often, I have had thoughts of self-love. Bringing my shame to light freed me - not only to become more me - but also to experience and recognize the truth that was hiding beneath the fear. I am okay to lose everyone in my life if need be because I finally have me.
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AuthorMelinda Lee is a mom of two adolescent boys, a devout student of all things spiritual, a recovering perfectionist, and immensely fascinated with achieving the unachievable. Currently writing a memoir about hugging strangers. Archives
February 2023
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